Dear Bishop Alexander,

From: Subject: Dear Bishop Alexander, Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2007 21:04:06 -0500 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Content-Location: mhtml:file://C:\Documents and Settings\Owner\Desktop\Christian Marriage According To St. John Chrysostom,.mht X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.3138 Dear Bishop Alexander,
Christian Marriage

According to

St. John Chrysostom.

Edited by Natalie Semyanko

For a happy married life, it is not enough = for a=20 groom to have made a prudent choice of a bride, and the bride a choice = of the=20 groom, and for them to have solicited God=92s blessing for the union. = There is=20 more that needs to be done. They have to behave, to establish their=20 relationship, in a way worthy of God=92s blessing, and not bring = misfortune down=20 upon themselves; so that marriage, the source of pure happiness, does = not become=20 the source of innumerable ills of the couple=92s own making. "Marriage = can be a=20 refuge," says Chrysostom, "but also a shipwreck, not due to its own = nature, but=20 rather at the hands of those who abuse it. For he who observes the rules = within=20 it will find, in his home and wife, comfort and relief from all troubles = he=20 meets in other places. Yet one who approaches marriage rashly and = carelessly,=20 even though he may enjoy contentment in his worldly pursuits, will find=20 unpleasantness and distress in his own home."

All the blessings of marriage are based on mutual = love, on=20 mutual trust and respect, and the resulting harmony of the spouses. = "There is=20 nothing more valuable than to be loved by your wife, and to love her. A = wise man=20 understands that agreement between man and wife is one of the greatest=20 blessings." "Where this exists, there is every bounty and every = happiness, but=20 where it is absent, then nothing can help, all else fails, and life is = full of=20 unpleasantness and unhappiness. Therefore we should seek this before all = else."

Mutual love between spouses should not depend on = their=20 respective beauty, and should not diminish if one of them for some = reason=20 becomes less beautiful, or even ugly. Chrysostom directed this teaching=20 particularly toward husbands, for in some cases, their love wanes in = proportion=20 to their wives=92 fading beauty, which formerly enticed them, or as they = begin to=20 notice their physical flaws. "Turn not away from your wife because of = her=20 ugliness," teaches St. John. "Hear what is written in the Scriptures: = "The=20 bee is little among such as fly, but her fruit is the chief of sweet = things"=20 (Sir. 11:3). A wife is a creation of God. When you insult her you = insult her=20 Creator. So how should one conduct oneself towards a wife? Do not praise = her for=20 her appearance; praise, hate, and love of this nature are = characteristics of=20 unchaste souls. Search instead for beauty of the soul; imitate the = Bridegroom of=20 the Church."

Love between man and wife should be so constant and = strong that=20 it could survive against any unhappiness, disappointment, and = temptation.=20 Chrysostom instructs husbands: "Care for your wife as Christ does for = the=20 church. Even if you must give up your life for her, tolerate repeated = losses,=20 and suffer something terrible, you must not abandon her, for by = suffering thus,=20 you will have done nothing in comparison to that which Christ did for = the=20 Church."

=87 =87 =87

An appreciation of the mutual need which man and wife = have for=20 each other can serve to resolve and strengthen love and harmony between = spouses.=20 "God divided the activities of our lives into two areas, public and = domestic.=20 Wives were entrusted with the household, and men were given civic = duties: in=20 commerce, in the courts, in councils, in war, and such things. A wife = may not be=20 able to throw spears or shoot arrows, but she can operate a spindle, = weave=20 cloth, and successfully engage in similar domestic duties. She cannot = give=20 opinions in the councils, yet she can advise at home, and often when the = husband=20 suggests something concerning the home, it turns out that the wife=92s = suggestion=20 is far superior. She cannot manage the state treasury, but she can raise = children, notice ill intent of maidservants, keep watch over the honest = behavior=20 of servants, freeing the husband from all these troubles, personally = taking care=20 of the pantries, the handiwork, the cooking, keeping clothes = presentable, and=20 all else which is unworthy of a husband to do, even difficult for him, = no matter=20 how many times he undertakes it.

"For this is also the result of the wisdom and caring = of God,=20 that he made them that are most capable of the most important affairs = less able=20 and useful in the less important things, so that there be a real need = for a=20 wife. If God had made men capable in both areas, then the female sex = could=20 easily fall into contempt in man=92s eyes. Again, had he entrusted the = most=20 important issues to the wife, then wives would become excessively = proud."

There will be neither agreement nor love between = spouses, when=20 each demands love and devotion from the other, while making no effort to = fulfill=20 their duties. This will cause not peace and agreement, but rather = discord, for=20 it expresses not love and indulgence, but rather stubbornness and = arrogance.=20 Therefore the best method for preserving peace between spouses is for = them to=20 have mutual respect for their separate duties and for each to keep = strictly to=20 them and fulfill them.

"Even if others do not do what is required," says = Chrysostom,=20 "we should do what is expected of us =85 for each will receive what he = deserves.=20 Such is a marriage in Christ, a spiritual marriage. So let not the wife = wait for=20 virtue from her husband before exercising hers, for this will be = unimportant.=20 Similarly, let not the husband wait for the good behavior of his wife = before he=20 begins to care for her, for this will no longer be virtuous on his part. = Let=20 each one, as I said, fulfill their responsibilities in advance."

=87 =87 =87

If both spouses strictly observe their = responsibilities, then=20 peace and agreement will necessarily follow. "If both spouses try to = fulfill=20 their responsibilities, then mutual benefits will quickly follow. If, = for=20 example, the wife is prepared to endure even an irate husband, and a = husband=20 does not irritate a cross wife, then complete peace will be established = between=20 them, and their lives will be like a harbor, free from waves."

Due to their mutual love, and in the interest of = their common=20 well-being, each should be understanding and indulgent of the other=92s = flaws.=20 They must arm themselves with patience in the face of the most bitter=20 displeasure, insults, and disappointments. Chrysostom says: "What is to = be done=20 if the husband is meek and the wife is nervous, sharp-tongued, a = blabbermouth, a=20 spendthrift, (a common fault among women) and has many other failings? = How can=20 he, poor fellow, stand this daily unpleasantness, pride, and = shamelessness? Or=20 what if she is modest and quiet, and he is rough, suspicious, = short-tempered,=20 and enjoying the arrogance of wealth and power, treating her, a free = woman, as a=20 slave, and thinking her no more than a servant? How can she endure such=20 humiliation and oppression? The Apostle says: "Bear all this slavery, = for you=20 will only be free when he dies, but as long as he lives you must = zealously try=20 to reason with him and improve him, or, if this is impossible, bravely = endure=20 the endless attacks and relentless verbal abuse."

Elsewhere, Chrysostom advises husbands to arm = themselves with=20 indulgent patience, and wives with complete submissiveness, in order to = stop all=20 discord. "One may say: =91My wife is foolish, wasteful, and has many = other flaws.=92=20 Put up with it all patiently. This is why you occupy the position of the = head,=20 to heal the body. It is written: "So ought men to love their wives as = their=20 own bodies." (Eph. 5:28) Wives are also subject to this = law."

=87 =87 =87

If a man should have a bad-tempered wife, it is his = obligation=20 not to become irritated, but rather to humbly consider this tragedy the=20 handiwork of God, punishing him for his sins. "Your wife may wage war = against=20 you," says Chrysostom, "She may meet you when you return home in a rage, = wielding her tongue like a sword. It is sad when your helpmate becomes = your=20 enemy! But examine yourself. Did you never harm a woman in your youth? = And thus=20 that wound, inflicted by you on another woman, is now being healed by a = woman,=20 and the ulcer of another woman is being cauterized by your own wife. = That a=20 bilious wife is a punishment to the sinner is written in the Scriptures. = A=20 bad-tempered wife will be given to a sinning husband, given as a bitter = antidote=20 which will dry up the evil juices of the sinner."

If, as Chrysostom teaches, an ill-tempered wife is a = divine=20 punishment, then clearly, the husband must endure it with absolute = patience, and=20 therefore nothing can justify physical violence against a wife. This = violates=20 the teachings on Christian patience and indulgence, and the = understanding of=20 love, which a husband must always maintain. Chrysostom emphatically = condemns=20 that inhumane treatment of wives which one frequently encounters, = especially=20 among the lower classes, as the highest degree of cruelty and = barbarity.

To correct the inadequacies of a wife, he recommends = patient=20 reasoning, not vituperation, and certainly not violence. "If a man beats = his=20 wife," he says, "it is a great dishonor, not only to her, but also to = him. I say=20 to you wives and husbands, may God save you from such a sin as would = lead a=20 husband to the necessity of beating his wife. I speak here of a wife, = but it=20 should be disgusting to a person of noble character to beat or raise his = hand=20 against even a slave =85 All the more then is it disgraceful to raise = your hand=20 against a freeman. Everyone understands this, even according to pagan = law, where=20 a wife who is beaten by her husband is no longer obligated to live with = him, and=20 he is no longer worthy of living with her. Is it not the height of = illegality to=20 so dishonor, like a slave, your life-friend who has long been helping = you in=20 life? Such a husband, if one can call such a person a husband at all, is = on the=20 same level as one who murders their father or their mother. For if we = have been=20 commanded to leave our mother and father for our wives=92 sake, then it = is not to=20 insult them thus, but rather to fulfill God=92s law, which our parents = so long to=20 do that they agree with great zeal to being left, and even thank God for = it. Is=20 it not then the height of dishonor to abuse her, for whom God commanded = us to=20 leave even our parents? Is this not insanity?"

"And what of the resulting ignomy? What words can = even describe=20 the howls and groans of a wife in the streets, when neighbors and = passers-by are=20 confronted with a house of one committing such a dishonor, like a wild = animal,=20 as it were, devouring its prey in its den? It would be better if the = earth would=20 swallow up such a scoundrel, than that he show himself again in public. = =91But my=20 wife=92, you say, =91is impertinent.=92 So be it. Do not forget that she = is your wife,=20 a weak vessel, and you her husband. For this reason you were put in = charge and=20 made the head, in order to endure the weakness of your wife, who should = be=20 obedient to you. Therefore act in a way that your authority be = respected, which=20 will only occur if you refrain from dishonoring your subordinate. It is = the same=20 with a Tsar who is more respected the more honorably he treats his = ministers and=20 subjects. If he demeans and belittles their virtues, his own glory = suffers=20 considerably. So too, will you substantially diminish the credibility = and=20 dignity of your own leadership if you dishonor your wife, whose honor is = subordinate to your own."

=87 =87 =87

The best way to correct the bad character of your = wife is by=20 judicious leniency and attentive efforts to eliminate her defects. "If = something=20 unpleasant transpires at home because of a mistake of your wife, then,"=20 Chrysostom counsels the husband," you should comfort her, not increase = the=20 unhappiness. Even if you have lost everything. But there is nothing more = sorrowful than to have a wife at home who is not favorably inclined = toward her=20 husband. There is no mistake of your wife which you could point to, = nothing you=20 can even imagine, which will cause more sorrow than discord with your = wife. For=20 this reason, your love for her should be more valuable than anything = else. If we=20 are all obliged to carry each other=92s burdens, then a husband should, = all the=20 more, do so for his wife. If she is poor, do not humiliate her for it. = If she is=20 foolish, do not attack her, but rather correct her. She is a part of = you, and=20 you, together with her, make up one body. =91But she is cantankerous, a = drunk, and=20 tends to lose her temper?=92 If this is so then you should grieve over = this, but=20 not get angry; pray to God, that He might change her; remonstrate with = her, try=20 to persuade her, and use all means to rid her of these defects.

"If you start to beat and persecute your wife, then = these=20 sicknesses will not heal, because violence is overcome by meekness, not = cruelty.=20 Also, remember that you will be rewarded by God for your meek handling = of your=20 wife. It is said that one of the pagan philosophers had a cantankerous, = bilious,=20 and impudent wife. When he was asked why he put up with her, the sage = answered=20 that, in her, he had a school of philosophy in his own home. =91I will = be more=20 patient than others,=92 he said, =91if I study in this school every = day.=92 Does this=20 amaze you? I sigh deeply when I see pagans who are wiser than we are, we = who are=20 commanded to emulate the angels, or, even better, who are ordered to = reflect God=20 Himself in our analysis of meekness. It is said that her bad temper was = the=20 reason why the philosopher did not get rid of his wife, and some even = say that=20 it is for this very reason that he chose her. If you make a mistake in = choosing=20 a wife and bring a bad, unbearable one into your home, then at least = follow the=20 example of the pagan philosopher, and do your best to improve her, and = do her no=20 ill. And once you have succeeded in bearing the spousal yoke in harmony = with=20 her, you will acquire other advantages, and spiritual endeavors will = come quite=20 easily to you."

=87 =87 =87

Chrysostom teaches that the love of a husband towards = his wife,=20 on the whole, should be a reasonable feeling. It should be based on the=20 spiritual qualities of the wife, and it should be aimed at correcting = and=20 improving her. Therefore the husband is guilty in his own eyes, before = his wife,=20 and before the judgment of God if he remains indifferent to her = weaknesses and=20 faults and pays them no attention. But on the other hand he should not = let them=20 irritate him, and cruelly persecute his wife for them. Meekness combined = with=20 reasonable leniency and love are the most reliable methods for her = improvement.=20 "Even if your wife has sinned much against you," says Chrysostom, = "Forgive her=20 all. If you took one with bad morals, teach her goodness and meekness. = If your=20 wife has a fault, drive out the fault, not the wife. If after much = experience=20 you find that your wife is incorrigible and stubbornly sticks to her = habits,=20 then still do not get rid of her, for she is part of your body, as it is = written: and they shall be one flesh (Gen. 2:24). Let the faults of your = wife be=20 uncured, you will nonetheless be rewarded greatly for having taught and = reasoned=20 with her =85 It is out of fear of God that you should suffer so much=20 unpleasantness and put up with a bad wife as if she were a part of your = own=20 body."

Speaking of the responsibility of the husband to = teach his=20 wife, Chrysostom recommends the very approach this issue. "Your wife," = he says,=20 "loves superficial jewelry, expensive, fashionable clothes, talks too = much, and=20 is presumptuous. It is hard to imagine that one person could have all = these=20 faults, but let us imagine such a person, and let the husband try to = improve her=20 any way he can. How is a husband to improve her? He can achieve this, = not by=20 forbidding her everything at once, but if he starts with the easiest = thing, the=20 one she is least attached to. If you are impatient and try to improve = her all at=20 once, you will achieve little. So don=92t confiscate her jewelry to = begin with,=20 rather allow her to wear for some time. Start instead by discouraging = her use of=20 makeup. However, do not use intimidation and threats for this, but = rather=20 persuasion and caresses. Explain to her that others think poorly of her = for=20 this, tell her of your opinion and decision, and remind her frequently = that not=20 only do you not like it when her face is made up, but that you find it = extremely=20 unpleasant. Tell her that this greatly disappoints you, and that even = the most=20 beautiful women lost their attractiveness this way.

"Reason with her in such a way as to remove her = passion, but do=20 not speak to her of Gehenna [Hell =96 trans.] or the Kingdom, [Heaven = =96 trans.]=20 (for this will be a waste of time), but assure her that she appeals to = you much=20 more when she is as God created her, and that other people will not find = her=20 beautiful or handsome when she has painted and smeared her face =85 If = you tell=20 her many times and she doesn=92t listen to you, then still don=92t stop = telling her.=20 Say it not in confrontation, rather with love. Sometimes show her a = displeased=20 expression, and at other times caress and coax her. Soon you will no = longer see=20 her with a disfigured face of bloody (painted red) lips, neither brows = blackened=20 by soot, as if from the hearth, neither cheeks which look like the = painted walls=20 of a tomb, for all this =96 soot, dust, and ashes -- is all stench. We = should bear=20 all the weaknesses of our wives, in order to correct that which we wish. = Once=20 you correct this fault, then the others will also be easy to correct. = Then you=20 can move on to gold jewelry and talk to her about it in a similar = fashion, and=20 this way little by little, reasoning with your wife, you will be = comparable to a=20 skillful, devoted slave and a patient farmer and master."

=87 =87 =87

In order to strengthen and preserve moral influence = over his=20 wife permanently, the husband should begin her education the very first = day of=20 their life together, and continue teaching at every convenient = opportunity. In=20 all situations he should pay close attention to her behavior, point out = her=20 responsibilities, and give her tasks to fulfill. The accomplishment of = these=20 tasks is the path to moral improvement. Chrysostom, in addition to = general=20 instructions, suggests the following specific example: He recommends = that the=20 husband exclude from the marriage celebration anything that might offend = the=20 chastity of the virgin. He goes on, "By shunning all this, you will be = doing the=20 right thing, respecting her modesty for a long while, not infringing = upon it=20 immediately. Even if the bride was not chaste, she will be reticent a = long time,=20 motivated by respect for her husband, and the novelty of those affairs = to which=20 she is not accustomed."

"What better time for instructing a wife, than when = she still=20 respects her husband, is still afraid of him, and is still held back by = modesty?=20 Lay down the law at this time, and she will submit to it, voluntarily = and=20 involuntarily. Speak first of love, for in persuasion nothing = facilitates=20 acceptance of instruction like the belief that it is done with love and=20 benevolence. How can you show her your love? Tell her: =91I had the = chance to=20 marry a rich and noble wife, but I didn=92t choose them, rather I fell = in love=20 with your way of life, your honesty, your modesty, and your chastity.=92 = From=20 love, move on to words of Christian wisdom. Speak of contempt for = riches, but=20 only in passing, or indirectly, for if you direct all your energy to = criticizing=20 riches, you will appear dreary and boring. But if you bring this up in=20 connection with situations where she is directly concerned, she will be=20 receptive."

"And so, say: =91When I had the chance to marry a = rich woman, I=20 declined to do so. Why? Not rashly or for lack of thought, rather = knowing well=20 that the possession of wealth means nothing and that it is well to = disdain it.=20 Instead of this I was inclined to the virtues of your soul, which I = value more=20 than any gold. For a maiden wise, benevolent, and ardent of chastity is = more=20 valuable than the whole world. That is why I was attracted to you and = fell in=20 love with you, and carry you in my soul. This world means nothing. That = is why I=20 pray and do everything so that we can honorably pass this time on earth, = so that=20 we can stay united in the world to come. Life in this world is short, = fickle,=20 and unreliable. If, pleasing God, we make ourselves worthy to cross over = to the=20 next life, then we will always be happy, together and inseparable with = Christ. I=20 prefer your love to anything else. There is nothing I find more = unpleasant than=20 disagreement with you. Even if I were to lose all, become poorer than = all=20 others, be subjected to terrible misfortunes, and suffer whatever = misery, I will=20 bear and suffer it all, if only you would love me. And children will be = dear to=20 me if they are the fruit of your love. But you should also feel the same = way."

"Then add the words of the Apostle, that it pleases = God, that=20 there be love between us. Listen to the Scriptures: "For this cause = shall a=20 man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife" (Matt. = 19:5). Let=20 there be no occasion for strife between us. For me this is more = important than=20 riches, crowds of servants, and public honors. Won=92t these words be = better for=20 your wife than gold and riches? Do not fear that by being loved so she = will=20 become proud, rather boldly assure her of your love for her, and she = will love=20 you all the more. If she does something good, praise her, and marvel at = it, and=20 if she does something wrong, which is often the case with young women, = advise=20 her and convince her. Disdain money and large expenses. Teach her to = beautify=20 herself with that which comes from benevolence, modesty, and honesty.=20 Continually teach her what is necessary. Your prayers will not be = mutual; let=20 each go to church, then back at home, let the husband ask his wife, and = let the=20 wife ask her husband, about what was heard and read there."

"If you are oppressed by poverty, cite the holy = fathers Paul=20 and Peter, who were held in greater regard than kings and wealthy men. = Show how=20 they led lives in hunger and thirst. Teach her that in this life there = is only=20 one thing to fear, - offending God. If you want to have a dinner party = or feast,=20 invite those who are known for their piety, who will bless you house and = by=20 their visit bring God=92s blessing down on it. Root out from her mind = the thoughts=20 of =91mine=92 and =91yours.=92 If she says, "This is mine," tell her, = =91What is this word=20 =91yours=92? I don=92t know this word. I have nothing of my own. How can = you say=20 =91mine=92 when everything is =91yours=92." These are not just tender = words, they are=20 great wisdom. In this way you can quiet her anger, and take the = bitterness from=20 her heart. Do not speak to her inconsiderately, but with tenderness, = with=20 respect, with love. Honor her, and she will not need the respect of = others. She=20 won=92t need to be praised by others if she is esteemed by you. Teach = her to fear=20 God, and everything will fall into place, and your house will be = abundant with=20 blessings."

=87 =87 =87

Those joined in marriage have no right to refuse to = fulfill=20 those demands which are inherent in its concept and goals. Explaining = the words=20 of the Apostle, "Let the husband render unto the wife due = benevolence: and=20 likewise also the wife unto the husband" (1 Cor. 7:3), = Chrysostom=20 says, "The Apostle uses the word =91due=92 because neither of them are = their own=20 master, rather they are slaves of each other. So, when you encounter a = loose=20 woman, enticing you to sin, tell her: =91My body belongs not to me, but = to my=20 wife.=92 Let the wife say the same to those that attempt to defile her = chastity:=20 =91My body is not mine, but my husband=92s."

"In other parts of the Old and New Testaments the = husband is=20 given great authority over the wife, for example: "thy desire shall = be to thy=20 husband, and he shall rule over thee" (Gen. 3:16). Paul also = makes=20 this distinction: "Let every one of you=85love his wife=85; and the = wife see that=20 she reverence her husband" (Eph. 5:33); and here nothing more or = less is=20 meant than that there be one authority. Why? Because previously he spoke = of=20 chastity. In other areas, says Paul, the husband has the prerogative, = but not=20 when it concerns chastity. The husband doesn=92t own his own body, = rather the wife=20 does. Here there is total equality and no prerogative. "Defraud ye = not one=20 the other, except it be with consent for a tim" (1 Cor. 7:5). What = does this=20 mean? "Let not a wife decline to fulfill the will of a husband," he = says, "and a=20 husband not decline to fulfill the will of the wife." Why? Because = terrible ills=20 result from this kind of abstinence - adultery, fornication, and = destruction of=20 homes."

"And he properly says, do not defraud, using = here the=20 word =91defraud=92, in contrast to duty earlier, for to abstain on = one=92s own,=20 without the consent of your spouse, would in fact be defrauding him. = Now, if=20 having convinced me, you take something that belongs to me, that is not=20 defrauding me, but if someone takes something against another=92s will, = and by=20 force, then he defrauds. Many women do this. They thereby become guilty = of their=20 husband=92s lust, and all is thrown into disorder, when agreement should = be valued=20 above all else."

"And, in fact, let us see why should it be valued = above all=20 else. Take a man and wife. Assume the wife abstains from her husband = against his=20 will. What then? Might he not fornicate? And even if he does not, might = he not=20 become sad, irritated, inflamed, angry, and cause a multitude of = troubles for=20 the wife? What is the use of fasting and abstinence, if love is spoiled? = None at=20 all, for so many hurt feelings, so much worry, so much duress results = from this!=20 "Christ commanded through Paul that wives not separate from their = husbands, and=20 that they not deprive each other, except by concurrence. But some wives=20 neglected their husbands for the sake of abstinence, as if it were an = act of=20 virtue, and were thus reduced to adultery."

=87 =87 =87

Man and wife are obliged to remain faithful to each = other.=20 Violating the marriage bed is one of the most terrible crimes. Because = of this=20 Chrysostom condemns this sin with all his might. His condemnation is = just as=20 valid today in modern society, where this sin is most common among men = and=20 women. Condemning the husband who is unfaithful to his wife, St. = Chrysostom=20 says; "What excuse has he? Do not speak to me of natural passions. That = is why=20 marriage was instituted, so that you would not have to cross the line. = For God,=20 in the interests of your contentment and honor, gave you a wife for this = reason,=20 so that you would satisfy the arousals of nature through your wife and = freed=20 yourself from lust. But you, with an ungrateful soul, cause Him = dishonor, reject=20 all embarrassment, break the rules given to you, dishonoring your own = good=20 name."

"Why do you direct your gaze on somebody else=92s = beauty? Why do=20 you contemplate a face which does not belong to you? Why do you violate = a=20 marriage =96 dishonor your marriage bed?" "Not for this did your wife = join you,=20 leaving her father and mother and her entire home, to suffer dishonor at = your=20 hands, so that you could prefer a vile slave to her, and cause great = strife. You=20 took a partner for life, equal to you in honor, and free. Does it make = sense to=20 have taken her dowry, save it and not squander it, and then to corrupt = and=20 defile that which is more precious than a dowry =96 the purity of = chastity and=20 your body, which belongs to your wife?"

In order to deter someone from being unfaithful in = the=20 marriage, Chrysostom often, and with great vigor and eloquence, shows = how=20 unhappy and tortured the violator is. "Look at the adulterer, and you = can see=20 that he is a thousand times more unhappy than those in chains. He is = afraid and=20 suspicious of everyone: his wife, the husband of the adulteress, the = adulteress=20 herself, servants, friends, acquaintances, brothers, the walls = themselves, his=20 own shadow, and even himself. And what is worse, his conscience cries = out and=20 torments him daily. If he imagines God=92s judgment, then he can hardly = stand for=20 fear. The pleasure is short, but the unhappiness prolonged, for day and = night,=20 in town or in the desert -- his accuser follows him everywhere, = threatening him=20 not with a sword, but with unbearable torture, defeating and killing = with=20 fear."

The causes which tempt husbands to be unfaithful did = not escape=20 the caring eye of Chrysostom. First among them are theaters, in which = immoral=20 songs were sung, and seductive shows were put on, often featuring naked = women.=20 Chrysostom cautions husbands against such entertainments. Our age also = has many=20 similar temptations against the chastity and faithfulness of husbands. = Thus not=20 literally, but in their essence, the condemnations and warnings of St.=20 Chrysostom are relevant to contemporary society.

"I must tell you," he says to husbands, "those of you = who spend=20 the whole day on such entertainments make a laughing stock of honest = marriage,=20 and cover a great mystery with shame. Tell me, what will you think of = your wife,=20 after having seen women so disgraced at the theater? How can you look at = her=20 without blushing, when you have seen her whole sex dishonored? Do not = argue that=20 the theater is just acting, because this acting has made adulterers out = of many,=20 and has upset many homes. What is your wife to think of you when you = return from=20 such a dishonorable spectacle? Do not think you are without sin because = you did=20 not dirty yourself with the harlot, for in your thoughts you did = everything =85 I=20 am not against merriment, but it should occur not at the expense of = chastity,=20 and not with shameful and numerous sins."

To avoid any seduction and temptation a married man = should not=20 gaze upon the beautiful faces of women, and with longing enjoyment = marvel at=20 them. "The Savior did not forbid looking at women," says Chrysostom, = "rather He=20 forbade looking at them with lust. If He did not mean this, He would = have only=20 said, =91whosoever looketh on a woman. But He said, =91Whosoever looketh = on a woman=20 to lust after her=92 (Matt. 5:28), in other words, he who looks at her = in order to=20 derive voluptuous pleasure. When you behold another beauty with desire, = you=20 insult your own wife, because you turn your gaze from her, and you = insult her=20 whom you gaze at, for you interact with her against the law. Though you = did not=20 touch her with your hand, you did with your eyes. That is why it is = called=20 =91adultery.=92"

Chrysostom gives the following advice to husbands to = resist=20 when desire rises for someone else=92s wife. "If you notice that a = passion is=20 kindled toward another=92s wife, and as a result your wife no longer = appeals to=20 you, go into your bedroom, open the epistle of Paul, and put out the = flame,=20 frequently repeating the words of the Apostle, "To avoid fornication = let=20 every man have his own wife" (1 Cor. 7:2). In general, in his = behavior to all women, the husband should act in such a way as to avoid = any=20 suspicion of unfaithfulness. "Avoid," he says, "not only adultery, but = even the=20 slightest suspicion. If your wife is needlessly suspicious of you, calm = her and=20 convince her. Don=92t reproach her with anger and arrogance, she is only = acting=20 out of great care for you. She is concerned about her right of = possession. That=20 possession is your body, and it is more precious to her than any = other."

"And the husband should not act in such a way that he = arouses=20 suspicion. Tell me, why do you spend the whole day with friends, and = only=20 evenings with your wife? This will inevitably bring on suspicion. And if = your=20 wife accuses you, do not take offence. She does so out of affection, not = because=20 she is insolent. This accusation results from a fiery love, a heated=20 disposition, and worry. She is worried that no one steals her wedding = bed, that=20 no one takes her greatest good, deprives her of her head." St. John = adamantly=20 advises husbands and wives that they should not be suspicious of each = other on=20 the basis of words and rumors, or for any other insignificant reasons, = and they=20 should not, either on their own or through other people, watch each = other, so=20 that they do not, through pettiness or paranoia, ruin the happiness of = their=20 marriage.

=87 =87 =87

St. John describes the duties of a wife, and her=20 responsibilities, in the following words: "The wife is given to the = husband to=20 keep him company in his life, to bear children, and not for depravity; = to care=20 for the house, to teach him honesty, and not to be an object of unclean=20 pleasures." "The duties of the wife are to protect that which has been = obtained,=20 to carefully use the income of the husband, and to take care of the = house. This=20 is why God gave man a wife, so that in this, as in much else, she be his = helper."

The first obligation of a wife is to be submissive to = her=20 husband. Explaining the words of the Apostle, "Wives, submit = yourselves unto=20 your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph 5:22), he says, "A true = wife=20 should be obedient to her husband as to the Lord. For just as one who = does not=20 obey the civil authorities is in violation of God=92s command, so all = the more is=20 she who does not submit to her husband. This was God=92s wish from the = very=20 beginning. Further on, the Apostle shows that the husband is the head of = the=20 wife, as Christ is head of the church. Just as the Church, that is, = husbands and=20 wives, are together subject to Christ, so is a wife subject to her = husband, as=20 to God."

Because she lives in the quieter environment of home, = and=20 because she is meeker and more tender in her essence, the wife has the = full=20 opportunity and the essential obligation to calm the husband, harried as = he is=20 by the burdens and cares of public life. With her tender involvement in = his=20 affairs, she can foster in him a renewed energy to take care of = business, and a=20 new desire to work. The wife should conduct herself so that the husband = sees his=20 home as a safe harbor, a place where he can always find love, peace, = calmness,=20 and numerous other joys, so that having completed his affairs, he = hurries home=20 to her, his wife, and does not seek entertainment in other places.

"Nothing can be more injudicious and harmful to the = happiness=20 of family life than when a wife meets her husband after his labors and = tasks not=20 with love, but rather with capricious wants or reproaches, irritations,=20 discontentment, and even scolding. If this occurs, she has only herself = to blame=20 if her husband flees from their house, and her family happiness is = destroyed. A=20 husband, spending time in commerce or in the courts is buffeted by = worldly=20 concerns, as if by waves. But the wife, staying home, as if in some = school of=20 wisdom, and focusing her thoughts deeply within herself, has the = opportunity to=20 pray and read and pursue other pious activities. And just as she can = cultivate=20 these virtues in herself, she can also, meeting her care-worn husband, = soothe=20 him, comfort him, distract him from crude thoughts that are harmful to = the soul,=20 and then release him again into the world rejuvenated with positive = thoughts and=20 emotions."

"Indeed, no one can so easily and quickly bring a = husband to a=20 calm state of mind and incline his soul to all that is good, as a pious = and wise=20 wife. He will listen to neither friends, nor teachers, nor his = superiors, as=20 much as he will listen to his wife when she encourages him and advises = him,=20 because her encouragement is combined with a certain pleasure, which is = the=20 result of an ardent love for her. I know of many tough and stubborn = husbands who=20 were softened this way. For a wife is inseparable from her husband = during meals=20 and when he is resting, in public and when alone, and is completely = dedicated=20 and as closely connected to him as a body is to a head. As long as she = is wise=20 and considerate, no one can compete with her in the care of her = husband."

=87 =87 =87

The wise love for her husband serves as the = underpinning of all=20 good qualities of the wife. In illuminating the words of the Apostle, = that wives=20 should be modest, clean, tidy, care-takers of the home, and kind, = Chrysostom=20 says: "All this creates love. The wife can be kind and attentive to = taking care=20 of the household. For modesty is born of love, and love will stop any = arguments.=20 If her husband is a pagan, he will soon believe in the truth (the = Christian=20 faith); and if he is a Christian, he will become a better one. If the = family=20 life is happily settled, then spiritual life will also become settled, = and if=20 not, then the latter will not be sturdy. For a wife who is the caretaker = of the=20 home will be modest, and a good housekeeper. She will not pursue = luxuries,=20 imprudent expenses, and such things."

But, to earn the love of her husband and, through it, = obtain=20 moral influence on him, a wife should not only in word, but also in her = actions=20 show that she loves all that is good and just, and should try to be = pious. "It=20 is not so much with words," says St. Chrysostom," but rather with deeds, = that=20 one should improve a husband. How? When he sees that you are serious, = not=20 wasteful, indifferent to jewelry, and do not require a large income, but = rather=20 take joy in the present, and when you do not ask him for gold, pearls, = nor=20 expensive clothes; but rather when you will love modesty, chastity, and=20 gentleness, then you can demand the same from your husband. Then will he = listen=20 to your advice with patience, and even with pleasure."

Chrysostom especially disdains extravagance and love = of clothes=20 in women, justly seeing in these faults the cause of trouble and discord = in many=20 homes. So he explains to the wife: "If you want to please your husband, = then you=20 should beautify and adorn your soul, not your body. For it is not gold = jewelry=20 which will make you pleasing and appealing, rather moderation, = attentiveness to=20 him, and the willingness to even die for him. This is what conquers = husbands=20 most of all, while jewelry pains them, because it brings harm to their = bank=20 account, causing great expense and troubles =85 In this way family = affairs and=20 income are in their best shape when gold is used not to be worn on the = body and=20 around the wrists, but rather on necessities, such as: keeping servants, = educating children, and other needs. If, on the other hand, it flashes = before=20 his eyes and tortures his heart, what use is it?"

"The shine of gold cannot entice a sorrowful heart. = Know and be=20 sure that though you may be the most beautiful of all women, you will = never=20 appeal to him whose soul you distress; for this you need a cheerful and = calm=20 spirit. But when all the gold is spent on jewelry for the wife and this=20 contributes to shortages at home, there is no pleasure for your husband. = So, if=20 you want to be loved by your husband, be pleasing to him, which you will = do when=20 you stop attaching too much importance to clothes and make-up."

"All this jewelry and fashion holds a certain = pleasure in the=20 first days of a marriage, but time erodes their value. For if sometimes = we do=20 not even look upon the sun which is so radiant, and the sky which is so=20 beautiful, with equal wonder, because we are so used to them, will we = marvel at=20 a body, decorated artificially? I say this so that you might love the = beauty=20 which never fades, with which the Apostle Paul commands us to adorn = ourselves,=20 not with gold nor pearls, nor costly array, "but (which becometh = women=20 professing godliness) with good works" (1 Tim. 9-10). "You = want to be=20 liked by people you don=92t know and strive for their compliments? No, a = pious=20 wife could not entertain such a desire. And no one prudent and modest = will=20 praise her for this, except for hedonists and the undisciplined, and = even they=20 will not speak well of her, but instead pass judgment on her for = fostering=20 immoral thoughts about herself in others. But a modest wife will be = praised by=20 all, for looking at her they will not only see no danger, but will = benefit from=20 her example of virtue. Great will be her praise among people, and great = will be=20 her reward from God."

The faults of a wife are as ruinous to a man as her = virtues are=20 beneficial. This is usually because the husband begins to seek = entertainment and=20 comfort outside the family, and is it any wonder that, embittered by his = wife=20 and caressed by someone else, he quickly falls into the traps set out = for=20 him?"

Chrysostom disdains wives who insist on luxury, = saying:=20 "Jealousy and adultery arise when you do not motivate husbands to = chastity, but=20 instead force them to seek pleasure in that which adorns adulteresses. = Because=20 of this they quickly become entangled, for if you had taught him to = scorn this=20 and find comfort only in chastity, piety, and humility, then he would = not give=20 in so easily to adultery. A prostitute can adorn herself even better = than you=20 can, but she is not able to clothe herself in virtue. So teach him to = find=20 pleasure in that which he will not find in a prostitute=85 Then your = husband will=20 be calm, you will be respected, and God will be merciful to you. Then = all will=20 marvel at you and you will receive future blessings."

What prevents us from living according to the = teachings of Saint=20 John Chrysostom?

Missionary Leaflet # E28b

Copyright =A9 2003 Holy Trinity Orthodox Mission

466 Foothill Blvd, Box 397, La Canada, Ca 91011

Editor: Bishop Alexander (Mileant)

(marriage_chrysostom_e.doc, 08-26-2003)

Edited by	Date